well ... its winter. and i fucking hate winter. but i bitch alot so what is new.

anyways life is decent. i have friends, a job, stuff to do.
the city is what i wanted in life. but im questioning it know
as i do everything else.

Yeah, i party, yeah i drink. Yeah i meet guys and i get to say no.
woopydoo. idk i feel like stuff is missing.
probably someone to do this with.

But once again in my awesome life, i chase away or fuck up everything
wooo go nina.
i miss love
i miss friends
i miss having somewhere i can go when something goes wrong
sure i could go home. but where is home exactly?
where my heart is? fuck. no. they are mad at me
where my family is? fuck. no. they would laugh at me
where my house is? fuck no. thats where i am.
where im loved? fuck. i dont know... where that is.

im not wanting sympathy or saying im not wrong. i am no doubt
i just wanted to update you guys on whats up..

to summarize. im missing out on my life now by remembering instead of living

fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. ok. now i can write something coherent. no. i cant i lied. ill try again tomorrow.



And I'm found too fast,
called too fond of flames,
and then I'm phoning my friends,
and then I'm shouldering the blame,
while you're picking pebbles
out of the drain,
miles ago.
You're out singing songs,
and I'm down shouting names
at the flickerless screen,
going fucking insane.
Am I losing my cool,
overstating my case?
Well, baby what can I say?

i have decided, i am beautiful. No matter what mistkaes ive made. No matter where i go, or who i meet, or what i do. I am beautiful.

last night, i thought i was going to die. I just finished fixing an argument with my best friend. I was chatting it up with my friends. My day was good i could sleep well. And then i told the story of halloween. slightly dreading it. but i knew i should do it anyway. his response (long response) had several effects. My stomach dropped and my blood went cold (im vaguely sure that my stomach dropping while laying down is slightly impossible.) I was thinking that i needed a sweatshirt but i couldnt tear myself away from the screen. if my thoughts were a waterfall i would have been promptly drowned in extent of situations and senarios running through my mind. Do i piss him off? Should i play the sorry helpless girl card? Should i just be silent? What to do, say, think, type. Should i tell him i had to stop typing back to him four times to wipe away the tears running down my face? Probably not. No, not probably, if you tell him that you will have that hanging over your head for a good long time. "haha you cried" story of my life. then i yelled. alot, and i wont lie. it was a damn good blind rage rant. and out of all the thing i think of, from all the outcomes i have calculated. what road do i take to follow the rant? the one word answer road. Now, im a pretty talkative girl (as you can see) so, one word answers are a red flag. More than a red flag.. more like.... someone punched you in the face, and used your blood to paint a white flag red. and waved it in your face. those are my one word answers. and then. he did the one thing i didnt want him to do becuase it forces me to talk.... he called. so. there i was. torn between my hate for silence, and my attempt to make him feel as humanly uncomfortable as possible. I think he won that round. In the end, i made him go to bed. so... who won? i think time will tell on that one.

....

somehow. even though i beat my self up everyday.Someone has seen throught the fucked up mess i have become. and actaually enjoys my company. and i dont mean the church kids, or the family friends. I met them on my own. and he likes, me for me. not for how i look or what i say... or where i am. but me. he likes me becuase i am flawed. and how i mess up sometimes. he likes me becuase i am as hardcore as a frenchfry. He does things that i dont like. i do things that he doesnt like. but we are close. and that shows me. that mountain dew. and blue jolt. are a match made in heaven.